Too much...not enough...

OK, here it is, Spring Break, when my mind is supposed to be freeing up and relaxing. Instead, because I've forgotten to take my brain-meds for the past 2 nights (idiot!) I woke up having a complete anxiety attack. You see, I have those. I completely lose my mind for a bit, actually feeling like I a going to die...and then worrying that my own children won't care. I lie in bed, trying to breathe my way throught the attack, as my heart pounds, my eyes tear up, and my husband lies there snoring, completely unaware of my misery. I went ahead and got up, even though it was 5 a.m., made some coffee, and went out to get the paper. My garden is ALIVE, now that it is almost spring, and I stopped in the driveway to absorb a little of its life. There was this frickin' bird...it was actually calling me "Dumb Shit," because I was so oblivious to the fact that life is good. However, that bird has a memory span of less than 3 minutes, in terms of cognition, so I told it to get the *&^%*&^ away from me so that I could breathe in the scents as I suffered. The best part? The newspaper wasn't there!

Once, when I was a little kid, I asked my mom to tell me the story of the night my real father died. She said, "No." No one ever told me the real story until I was about 15. I was with my Ma-maw. She was my father's mother...the greatest woman to ever live. I asked her to tell me. She said, "But I've told you before." At the age of 15, I stopped dead in my tracks and started crying. We were standing in a Ben Franklin's Five-and-Dime, for god's sake...and I'm a zit-faced teenager, crying. My Ma-maw wrapped her arms around me and took me out to her car. We sat in there and I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't stop. It was like, for the first time, everything poured out. She was so wise. She didn't say anything. She just held onto me. Then, I said, "Ma-maw, no one has told me that story. You just think you told me, but you never did." She was shocked...and said, "I guess that I've been dreaming for 14 years that you and I talk about the story. I must be losing my mind."

You see, even the wisest woman on Earth loses her mind once in awhile. I guess it's OK for me to lose mine this morning...and hope that no one knocks on the door unexpectedly.

1 comment:

Vita said...

I hope you got your mind back, because it is awesome.