Gettin' off the meds...

I'm doing it! I'm almost completely clean! After 11 years and 60 additional pounds, I'm making a break from anti-anxiety medication and sleep aids. Yeah, so I got up at 3:41 this morning...but, damn! I'm getting there!

See, my only hope for dropping this additional weight is to get myself clean. One of the medications caused me to gain 40 pounds in the first year of taking it! The weight didn't bother me too much, as I was in very bad shape, after having just finalized a horrible divorce and working 10 hours/day while raising 2 kids who cried a lot. No joke, anyone who doesn't have kids has no idea what it's like to love your babies so much...but HATE the continuous crying so much that it pushes you over an imaginary ledge.

Anyway, I had been a suffering insomniac since high school and it worsened in college. Then, after landing a job, getting married and having that first baby in 1990, I transitioned into a complete wreck! Suddenly, the insomnia BECAME my life and I had no idea how to deal with it. Staying up all night with a crying baby and having to go to work full-time made my life such a mess...and I didn't even realize it, until I discovered I was pregnant with that second baby. My husband, at that same time, applied for a doctoral program and was accepted at UC Berkeley. I remember begging him to wait for a full year, since a 2nd baby was on the way. He refused...end of story. I took a leave from my job to stay home with the new baby...and we moved to the Berkeley area for him to attend school. I was alone most of the time, with the kids, while he lived a very good life, doing research, coursework, field trips, and more. I lived in the family housing complex in Albany, CA...as one of the ONLY English-speaking moms. I did make some very good friends at that time, one of whom I will always love...we are sort of like sisters. But, that wasn't enough. Looking back now, I realize I was a frantic mess. I became angry, which I had not been before.

When we returned to Oregon, hubby was doing research full-time and working with the EPA. I went back to full-time teaching, went without sleep for days on-end. We ended up divorced. I ended up in a doctor's office 2 years later...and my life changed so much.

I accepted the fact that there are people like me all over the world who intervene on their insomnia and anxiety with the aid of medication. I balked and worried for 6 months about my doctor's suggestion before finally giving in and trying it.

WITHIN 3 MONTHS, MY LIFE WAS COMPLETELY REFORMED! Sleep is magic, you know.

Anyway, my stress levels are so low right now, with my new job and my children being older and so independent (they don't cry anymore!). My weight really bothers me and I feel aches and pains I just KNOW are related to hauling around 50-60 extra pounds. So, with the help of my doctor, I'm giving this a try.

I feel so miserable...achy, nauseated, bloated, restless...but, somehow I also feel better! I'm going to stick to this! As one friend said on Monday, "If I can go through chemo and live, you can easily achieve this!" Wow...sort of puts my woes in perspective, doesn't it?

Anyway, my intent it to stick with it. I'm going to do this and life WILL be good, dammit! :)