It Is Painful to Know Some Secrets

We're preparing for the big, final measurement of more than 2/3 of our home flooring. Wow. We have a LOT of s**t! I'm actually enjoying going through some of it, immediately filling bags of clothing for Vina Moses and boxes of "good stuff" for The Arc.

However, while Beautiful Daughter is away in Europe, it's tough to go into her room and clear it out, knowing she'll be SO MAD about the whole situation. We've left it as the last room to work on, thinking, at times, that maybe she'll be home first and do it herself. Alas, the measurement guy is coming today and wants clear floor space, since this is the final shot.

So, I blindly put most of her stuff into boxes, sort of just piling it in without looking. Bedding is currently in the washer and the bay window is all shined up, looking new again. However, there are those items which bring me anguish.

2+ years of treatment for eating disorders and obsessive-compulsive exercising, and the problem obviously remains. Found evidence of more purging and a box of laxatives. Granted, she's now more than 30 pounds heavier than 18 months ago and looks ABSOLUTELY gorgeous, but the problem obviously remains. I was reading more about eating disorders last night and every single professional says they are lifelong battles that CANNOT be won without very clearly designed plans and medical intervention. We've gone through all of that, but in the end, it now comes down to her being an adult, age 18.

My counselor says that I'm going to be working on not taking my children's actions personally. Ha! Yeah, right. I'm going to be in therapy for YEARS! :) The system works, though, and I'm going to place my faith in his advice and recommendations.

Like Carnivorous Hippy says, "Lighten up." Yeah, well, I could go completely bonkers, so, in some ways, I am lightened up right now. I'm not screaming or pulling my hair out. I'm not crying. I'm not walking around with my hair wild and dirty teeth, yet, but, man, I see how easy it happens to others.

I've been watching an HBO series given to me by the counselor on DVD called "Addiction." Shit, sometimes knowledge makes it more painful. I have a good friend whom was a student teacher in my classroom for 2 years and ended up getting hired in Corvallis then moved to St. Paul, Minnesota, to teach and be closer to her family. She once said, "It was great being a teacher for those first 2 years, as I didn't know as much as I know now and there was less to be worried about, as a result. Yeah, those words ring true.

I'm listening to Dave Matthews Band right now... Good music for mellowing out, packing boxes, and breathing. I once heard a radio DJ (female) say, "Dave Matthews just doesn't know that I'm his future wife...yet." I have to wonder, based on his music and lyrics, if he truly does have the ability to touch away fears...remember, he said, "Life is short, but sweet for certain," in the greatest song, "Crash."